Number 1: Give Him a Hand at Managing His Emotions
The strong, silent type and the macho tough guy may be appealing on the big screen, but in real life, the good guys are the ones who know how to deal with their feelings—the right way. "Some qualities that we stereotypically think of as 'manly' are actually repressive—being stoic and in control, not showing how you feel," says Christine Nicholson, PhD, a psychologist specializing in adolescent therapy in Kirkland, Washington. "If your son is upset and you say, 'Buck up, it's not that bad,' he learns to hide his feelings."
In fact, she adds, research shows that parents ask daughters how they feel more often than sons, and when girls get hurt, parents comfort them more than they do boys. The result? Many boys grow up feeling ashamed of their emotions and become men who can't communicate well—bottling up or lashing out—which makes it hard for them to relate to others.
What You Can Do
• Get him talking. If your son is grumpy after school, don't swoop in with questions. "Simply say, 'Looks like you're upset. I'm here to help if I can,'" says Dr. Nicholson. Then bring it up later: I'm concerned that something bad happened at school. If he lets you in a bit (School is boring), echo his feeling (Yeah, school can be boring). Odds are he'll open up: That teacher gives me so much homework. Again, validate his feelings, but this time coax out more: You do get a lot of homework. What do you have for tonight? "Your son will know that you're on his side and that you're not going to lecture, so he'll feel comfortable talking more in depth," says Dr. Nicholson."
• Help him find solutions. Getting boys to open up about how they feel is one thing; getting them to understand that while bad feelings may linger, they don't last is quite another. "Boys prefer to focus on the problem rather than the emotion," says Dan Kindlon, PhD, adjunct lecturer at Harvard School of Public Health and coauthor of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. "Part of a parent's responsibility is to teach his or her son that emotions—whether pain, sadness, anger or fear—don't always go away quickly, and that's OK. Eventually he will begin to feel better."
It's a lesson Patrick Coleman of Maplewood, Minnesota, learned from his mom when he tried out for the high school hockey team. "All of his friends made the team, but he didn't," says his mother, Patty. "He was devastated and wanted to quit hockey completely." So she sat down with him to talk about it, but let him fill her in at his own pace, without interruption. When she sensed that he'd gotten it all off his chest, Patty acknowledged her son's feelings, then offered ideas on how to make things better. "I told him I knew he was hurting, but that he could still play on another team if he wanted to," she says. After thinking about it, Patrick realized his mom was right, and eventually joined his community hockey team despite his sadness. "He ended up having fun and learned that good things can come out of disappointment," says Patty. Photo: Andersen Ross / Getty Images
Number 2: Teach Empathy
When boys are able to understand how someone else feels, it makes them better friends now and better husbands and dads in the future. "Empathy is a valuable social skill that helps you feel for others and prevents you from doing things that are hurtful," says Shari Young Kuchenbecker, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University in Orange, California. "It's one of the best foundations you can give your son."
But studies suggest that moms may have their work cut out for them. According to researchers at the University of Michigan, today's college students are 40 percent less empathic than they were 20 years ago. Two likely reasons, researchers say, are violent video games that numb kids to the pain of others, and social networks filled with virtual "friends" kids don't get to know in a meaningful way.
• Play "what-if." Encourage your son to put himself in others' shoes by using examples from something he enjoys, like sports. If he's watching a baseball game, for instance, join him on the couch and say, The pitcher looks like he's under a lot of pressure. How would you handle being on the mound?"It takes just a few seconds here and there, but you're teaching your son to consider others' feelings and put himself in their place," says Dr. Kindlon. "If you do that enough over the years, he'll grow into someone who can handle emotional situations well."
• Encourage him to read novels. Ongoing studies at York University in Toronto show that people who read more fiction than nonfiction score higher on empathy tests. Why? Researchers theorize that the parts of the brain we use to understand how fictional characters feel are the same ones we use to figure out how real people feel. And the more we use those parts of our brain, the stronger our ability to
understand others. Photo: Eric Audras / Getty Images
Think of men you admire. Odds are they have an important trait in common: a healthy dose of self-esteem. When a man feels good about himself, it doesn't mean he's egotistical. It means that he feels confident, competent and worthy—exactly what you want for your son.
What You Can Do
• Skip the false praise. Saying You're the smartest kid in the world or You're the best basketball player ever sets expectations your son can't live up to. "Praise his efforts rather than his talents," says Dr. Kuchenbecker. According to studies at Columbia University, young kids feel more accomplished and better able to handle challenges when they're praised for how they do a task (You worked hard) and for completing it (Good job getting that done), rather than when they hear general kudos like I'm proud of you.
• Don't label him. Never say Boys will be boys or use other expressions that blame your son's behavior on his gender or that suggest he can't control his actions. "The messages kids get from parents play a major role in the development of their self-esteem," says Paul W. Schenk, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Tucker, Georgia. "When your son hears words that attack who he is, it has a negative impact on his self-worth." Bottom line: He'll begin to believe what those phrases imply—that boys are troublemakers.Photo: Jose Luis Pelaez / Getty Images
"A boy who grows up listening to authority figures, obeying rules and interacting in a caring manner learns a baseline of treating people with respect," says Michael Gurian, author of The Purpose of Boys. By the time he is a man, that respectful manner will be second nature.
What You Can Do
• Set rules and enforce them. If your son breaks a rule—whether it's using bad language, missing curfew, or some other infraction—impose consequences. "Boys respect people who hold their feet to the fire," says Gurian. "If you coddle your son and don't follow through with consequences, over time he can become unmotivated, and ultimately spoiled and uncaring."
• Set a good example. Treat other adults in your son's life, such as teachers, coaches and his friends' parents, with respect. Insist that he do the same. If a conflict does arise—say, between your son and his teacher—handle the situation with grace. Don't immediately side with your son, says Gurian. "Hear both sides of the story, and even if your child is right, explain to him that rudeness to a teacher is never acceptable," he says. Then say: I'll talk to your teacher to see if we can resolve this. If something like this happens again, I want you to tell me, and not talk back to your teacher. "You'll teach your son problem-solving skills while emphasizing respect for others," says Gurian. Photo: Jamie Grill / Getty Images
Number 5: Show Affection
Your son loved your hugs and kisses when he was little. Once he hit adolescence…not so much. It's normal for boys this age to begin separating from Mom in order to establish independence, says Dr. Kindlon. But remember, men who freely give affection grew up getting it, so find ways to show it to your son—even if he acts like he doesn't want you to.
What You Can Do
• Time it right. If your son resists, choose your moments carefully. He'll likely be embarrassed if you try to kiss him in front of his pals, but a quick peck as he heads to bed or a brief hug if he's feeling down lets him know you care without crowding him. "Boys need and want the caring touch that a mother provides, even if they don't always show it," says Dr. Kindlon. "Boys need to experience that physical tenderness if they are to become affectionate men later." Photo: Michele Westmorland/ Getty Images
The Father Factor
When it comes to raising boys, Dad has one distinct advantage over Mom: He knows where your son is coming from because of his gender. "A mother can certainly help her son become a good man, but a father can actually show him what it means—and that's very powerful," says Roland Warren, president of the National Fatherhood Initiative, a nonprofit advocacy group. Here, three key things dads can do.
Be there. "It sounds so simple, but it's a profound thing for a son to have a father who spends a lot of time with him," says Warren. Boys get the message: Dad loves me, enjoys my company, and is available if I need him—which gives them a sense of security and demonstrates what good dads do.
Treat women well. One of the ways a boy learns how to relate to women is by watching his father. "So when a dad interacts with women, especially his wife, he should be able to admit when he's wrong, apologize when necessary, and speak and behave respectfully, especially during a disagreement," Warren points out.
Get physical. Studies show that the kind of playful wrestling or roughhousing that many dads share with their sons helps boys learn to control their physical impulses and regulate their emotions. "In addition, the physical touch of a father hugging and kissing his son is incredibly affirming for boys," adds Warren. Photo: Shutterstock
Laura Flynn McCarthy is a freelance writer who lives in New Hampshire. Her work has appeared inParenting, Working Mother and other magazines.
